JoyDrops

Originally posted 2-20-2022

edited and reposted 11-27-23

This may be messy and long and hard to read, so if you’re not up for reading hard stuff today I get it… here’s a hug from me saying scroll away quick!!! But, if you’re up for it stick with me to the end…and give yourself a hug too!

Please know- I am not whining or being ungrateful- just sitting in the mess a lot today.

I started writing these JoyDrops posts because I was struggling to find even the smallest bit of joy in my day and thought if I was others were too so why not search together? My inner voice likes to bend toward the negative…it is a battle…sometimes moment by moment and even the joy drop exercising doesn’t help…like today-

hang on for the honest and raw…

As I sat here trying to wipe off the messn by finding and naming each joy drop God showed me today – my negative talk, my shaming of myself talk – was louder and louder than even the joy drops from Jesus… I’d get a joy drop and then I’d say, sure but… or yeah but… or if only…I seriously had a negative, or 10, for every joy drop-

Some days, like this day, my shame brain takes over…

Here’s a peek into my shame spiral…
*made breakfast for Owen and Bob they loved it. me: yeah but my bacon was like leather – 3 times over!
*texts from my florida girl Lain – me: worrying because she hadn’t texted me and then when she finally did shaming myself for always thinking the worst
*so many kind comments and encouraging words about my JoyDrops post yesterday. me: I’m so thankful people are being so kind but I’m sure they’re getting sick of me by now…
*text with great news from my California son Brian. me: shaming myself for not answering his text last night like I said I would.
*a quick visit and hug from Colin. me: as he’s leaving wondering if I gave him everything he needed to be a great husband.
*wrapping a baby shower gift. me: you should have made sure your whole order was here on time, why do you always procrastinate
*a beautiful sunset from my patio. me: yeah but it used to be prettier before the houses were built behind our house.

So, here I am, cowering in shame, head hanging, barely able to look up, covered in filth in front of you…my struggle to accept the joy drops is real, and so is my shame and the belief something bad is always coming for me…

But – my faith is also real, and it may take a bit to realize that my shame spiral and negative talk are temporary. Eventually, I can get to where I see it for what it is…lies from the pit of hell!

Today was crappy- literally and emotionally! And, the negative talk bent my hanging head so low I couldn’t see how it was a lie- the evidence is in my favor and is VERY present and real and filthy…

…We have a sick puppy who was my responsibility today…and I literally spent 5 of my 9 hours with him cleaning and washing poop from his crate and from him. I bathed him 5 times- today. FIVE.

Each time he was cowering in shame, head hanging so low, he could barely look at me…he didn’t mean to do it and I felt so bad for him AND me (insert negative shame spiral here) there was so. much. poop. . .
But it all washed away-

And after every bath he only wanted to be held and comforted.

And so did I.

And so, we did.

Today the puppy was poopy…
But I washed the mess off of him
Every. Single. Time.

All of it.

And off he went to find comfort and curl up with his best buddy.

Today I was really crappy.
God washed the mess off of me-
He always does, even if it takes FIVE times in one day, even if it takes 70 x 7…
He takes the crappy day, the shame spiral negative self talk day, and washes it off.
Every. Single. Time.

All of it.

And, I’m pretty sure finding the JoyDrop in that is God’s way of comforting me and having me curl up with Him!

Note: This drawing is NOT my property. It was shared with me about 20 years ago. I cannot read the artist’s name – if anyone reading this knows the artist please let me know and I will give them credit!