JoyDrops

11/29/23

Wait, What?

“I want you to sing at my funeral.”

Aunt Beth, I thought you just said you want me to sing at your funeral.

“I did. I never told you?!”

UMMMMM, NO! I would have remembered that!

“Well, I’m telling you now, I’ll send the sheet music soon!

There was zero chance of me saying no. I mean, how do you say no to one of the two most influential women in your life?

You. Don’t.

A week later, I got this in the mail…

In this Very Room…

There’s quite enough love, joy, hope, power- all words that describe her.

My Aunt Beth. My giver of unconditional love. My encourager of joy. My living example of hope. And my overcomer with power and strength like no one I’ve ever met before.

And on the back, these handwritten words…

Dear Laurie,

I heard this song at a funeral more than 30 years ago. I’ve never heard it again but at my Mother’s funeral, God spoke to me with His gentle force, Laurie will sing this at your funeral one day. I can’t believe I never shared this with you to this day –

When I read these lyrics I hear you singing this beautiful song. Whether you want to sing it in person or recorded- it will be “our song”. You may be teary, but I will have no more tears.

Your forever loving,

Aunt Beth

10-26-2022

I immediately put this tear drenched treasure into the far back slot of the letter organizer on my desk standing tall with her words facing out. There it stayed, ignored. If I don’t look at it it’s not real. I don’t want to think about her funeral. I don’t want to think about her being sick. After all, she’s my overcomer!

About 6 years ago or maybe a little more, my sweet Aunt Beth called to tell me she had lung cancer and they weren’t sure what stage and what the treatment options were.

I cried a bit and told her I loved her but couldn’t talk about this now, and we hung up. She understood. She knew me and loved me with an unconditional love like no one but my Gram ever had.

I can feel it as much writing this as I did that day. I was in my bedroom, no one else was home. The silence was deafening and all I could do was drop to my knees. God and I had a fist fight that afternoon…how dare He take her from me, I’ve lost too many, I won’t be able to figure out life without her, I, I, I, I… and that last “I”  was a slap into reality from God and I realized THIS WAS NOT ABOUT ME. What had she done for me in my years of struggle?  One time, for an entire month she sent me scripture personalized to me from Jesus. Every day for an entire month!

She was selfless. She was encouraging. She loved me unconditionally, and above all else she shared Jesus with me when I couldn’t find Him. And that God slap stopped my tears, and put me into a place of action. It was my turn to encourage her, to stop being selfish and be selfless for her. It was my turn to share Jesus with her when she couldn’t find Him. It was my turn to give her everything she’d given me!

But how? Well, Jesus speaks to me through song…always has. So, I searched for a song to encourage her. I immediately heard the word,- almost audibly – overcomer.

I searched overcomer on iTunes and found Overcomer by Mandisa – take a listen here:

I sent her the song in a text and, it became her fight song! She lived it- she overcame that cancer, she overcame the chemo, the immunotherapy, and even got back to golfing and Bible Study. She NEVER stopped praying for everyone she loved and, like my Gram, she overcame whatever pain she was in to make sure that everyone around her knew they were seen, heard and loved.

Here the timeline gets fuzzy for me, and I’m sure my sweet Uncle and cousins could fill in the blanks… but she started having some dizziness and went to the dr. She was diagnosed with a small tumor in her brain. They did surgery and she was, incredibly, back to her Overcomer self in days! She moved forward, slowly and with physical therapy, but she kept moving. She decided to fight…to keep living…and then… a setback- she called to have me come visit the end of September 2023. I knew she knew and I couldn’t not go. I also knew I had to learn “our song”. Picking it up off my desk was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, but I knew she had done much harder things and this was the very least I could give her. So I practiced! A LOT!

September 29, 2023 I flew to California to see my aunt for what we both knew, but never spoke out loud, would be the last time we’d be with each other on this side of Heaven. I was encouraged by a co-worker to sing my song to her while I was there, and to be completely present in each moment, to laugh, reminisce and cry, to make the time I had with her about living, and live! And that’s exactly what we did. I am forever grateful for such wise advice.

I don’t really know what I expected, but what I experienced when I walked through her door was not what I expected- if that even makes any sense.

She smiled, hugged me and I soaked up every second of that hug and we both cried and then she said, ENOUGH! No more tears! She put her hands on my shoulders, held me back and looked me over. You look so good Laurie! And I looked back at her- I saw my sweet, smiling, mauve lipstick wearing, auntie! She didn’t look sick. She didn’t look gray or tired. She didn’t look like cancer. And so the weekend didn’t look gray or tired or like cancer!

We laughed, we joked, we talked, we laughed some more, she cooked for me, even though I protested, but she insisted and “besides, grilled cheese is easy”, she said! We talked more and went to sleep early because we were both exhausted. I didn’t cry that night- I prayed praises and thanksgiving and hopeful prayers. We woke up the next morning and she was already dressed and ready to go for a walk on Balboa Island, one of her favorite places! We packed up her walker and my cousin’s dog and headed to the island. We walked so much more than I ever expected. 

We stopped at some old friends of theirs who had just built a new home on the island, and talked about everything BUT cancer and she told my cousin to please thank them for not making it about cancer. That them NOT talking about it was the best thing they could have done for her and please thank them for that gift! We drove back laughing the whole way and after a nap we met the whole family at church.

What a joy and a blessing- standing next to my aunt, who is just so much more than my aunt…she’s my mentor, my friend, my counselor, my “mom”, this blessing was NOT lost on me. When we walked into church she asked me to sing…and sing I did, through the tears I sang and praised Jesus and thought of what it would be like in Heaven when I joined my family there – I had to keep myself from thinking of how soon she’d be there, or I would have not been able to sing…

After church we went for family dinner, we laughed, and laughed and laughed. I watched her with her “babies” – her grown children. Oh how she loves them and oh how they love her…I want to be that for my kids…She never once let on that she was in pain…

That night we binge watched “the summer I turned pretty” with my cousin and my uncle, although he most likely will not admit that he watched but I’m pretty sure he was team Jeremiah! I think we watched 4 episodes before we finally headed up to bed.

She hugged me goodnight and said, “I love you Laurie.” and sent me to my room. There I found this…

I couldn’t open it. I couldn’t even look at it. I ignored it for over an hour, soaking up every inch of the room she so thoughtfully designed and made home…I took pictures of all the things that would help me remember…and then I got to the red silk envelope … and brought it over to the bed. I sat holding it for a long time. When I opened it the tears finally made their way out of my eyes and down my face and they didn’t stop for a very long time… It was hard to read through the tears, but the gift brought the connection we had full circle. We shared a middle name. We were both given the middle name of Ann. We were named after Ann Smith Warrington. My grandpa’s mom.

She was Aunt Beth’s grandma and my great grandma. I have very vivid memories of her. Her long silky gray hair that was always in a bun, her hunchback and her house dresses, her pointy glasses and the smell of her house full of antique pieces, many of those pieces full of amber glass.

And now, I was being gifted her ring from my aunt who had worn it for years. I slipped it on my pinky finger where I remember Aunt Beth sometimes wearing it and it fit perfectly.

It was a long night of crying and praying and deafening silence in this room she had made home.

The next morning my cousin and uncle left early and gave Aunt Beth and me time to sit and talk just the two of us. I will keep that conversation close to my heart, it is ours. 

And then I sang “our song” for her. I sang and she kept saying, “just beautiful, so pretty, thank you Laurie” over and over as tears welled and ran down her sweet face. It is a moment I have treasured up in my heart and one I cannot wait to talk to her about in Heaven.

Uncle Hiram and my cousin Amy returned with coffee and scones (Aunt Beth’s favorite) and we laughed and shared some pretty funny stories as we shared breakfast together. And then…it was time.

We promised no crying and a “see you”…not a goodbye…she hugged me and kissed me and I said “see you” and she smiled and her eyes, her eyes melted into my being as she said, “see you”. I somehow managed to walk to my rental car. When I knew she was out of site, the tears couldn’t be held back. I don’t remember the drive to the airport, or the walk through TSA Pre-check, or boarding the plane or taking off or landing or finding Bob who came to pick me up. I don’t remember going back to work, the next thing I do remember is going to my friend’s home and recording “our song” for her and sending it so she could listen to it. She loved it and said it finished out the plan she had for her services. She wanted everyone to know the love and joy they can find in Jesus- and she made sure that was the theme of her services – down to the prayer and songs and the words she wrote for the service bulletin. All. So. Perfectly. Her.

The other thing I do remember is seeing a photo of her with her grandsons at their basketball game – she told me while I was visiting she wanted so badly to be able to see them – she did, and she didn’t look gray, or tired or like cancer. She had overcome again and even if she were in pain, it certainly wasn’t showing! I then remember getting a call that she’d been admitted to the hospital, a week to the day after we said, “see you”.

I did get to text with her a couple more times before she was put on hospice. My cousins were great about keeping me up to date on what was happening.

The next couple of weeks were a blur. Until my cousin Allison FaceTimed me Friday night, October 20. She told me mom was sleeping most of the time and not real responsive, so not to be surprised if she didn’t respond. She held the phone so I could see Aunt Beth…

I said, Hi Aunt Beth.

Her eyes stayed closed, but as clear and as Beth as she could be she said,

“Oh Laurie! I love you.”

I love you too, Aunt Beth. I’m praying for you.

One last unconditional love gift…

she knew me, and she wanted me to know she loved me.

Just 11 hours later, I got the call that Jesus had called her home. Jesus welcomed our sweet Beth into His arms and the angels rejoiced as God said, “Well done my good and faithful servant, Welcome Home.”

10-21-23 sweet Beth is Home with Jesus

I immediately went to my desk and re-read her letter on the back of “our song”. It was dated 10-26-2022. 💜

“Laurie, I hear you singing this beautiful song. Whether you want to sing it in person or recorded – it will be “our song”.

You may be teary but…

I will have no more tears.”

No more tears…

no more pain and lots of joy and belly laughs with gram and gramps and Jesus…

I miss her more than I ever expected to. I didn’t realize how much she had become a part of the very fiber of my joy. So many times throughout each day I start to send her a text or a song, or a picture of the babies, or a thought I had, or a scripture, or to ask advice, to share about my blog and ask about a recipe at Thanksgiving…and every time -tears- I pray each time, through the tears, for my Uncle and cousins and thank Jesus for her love and how she lived out her love for Him. And then I remember her words and am comforted knowing someday, I’ll “see you” and then we will both have…

no more tears…

my sweet overcomer “momma Aunt Beth” and me, her “sweet Laurie”